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When some of us lose a pet it’s a devastating loss. Although there isn’t much out there for pet loss therapy, I say take it as a person loss, to me, it’s the same. I lost Elle in August and it is only now hitting me. I think I stayed in denial for at least a couple of months. Now, I can’t even think of her or say her name without crying. I’m crying as I write this article. The pain is so raw and jarring.  Being an empath, an animal empath is something very special yet very hard to deal with when loss becomes real. There would be many times throughout her 10 years, I would contemplate what I would do if someone did something to her or how I would eventually handle her death. Now it is here and I still have no wisdom or words of comfort. I have a broken heart filled with a void that is so big; I wonder how God will ever patch it up again.

Love is an amazing thing. Some of us are more lovers than others. It’s like we have so much reserved and can allocate it out based on the type of relationships we have. Some of us can’t help but give love, even at our own expense. I think this is a highly sensitive empath’s mantra. What I know is her loss has highlighted some really big issues in my human relationships- my marriage. For animal empaths, it seems as if we can love so deeply and share our affections between the human and animal form, but if there is an unhealthy balance or something profane lacking in the way of intimacy, our love shifts. Elle was my best friend. We knew what each other were thinking and what we both needed from the other. It is like we had our own way of communicating through our eyes.  She was my rock in every sense of the word. Her humor and energy was infectious and I loved her dominating temperament. She always made people feel uncomfortable with her insistence on being noticed. I liked her willingness to just go after what she wanted- it reminded me of my own way of living. “Live your life to the fullest with each passing moment.”

I believe when ones heart is fully open to give and receive many heartbreaks happen, many. How can you go through this messy life with an open heart and not get trampled on? It is impossible. The question is what do you do when these moments sneak up and steal your joy? Many times, I cried out for God to relieve me of my purpose on this earth. Many times I cried out for help. Time does make things sting less, but the loss never goes away. I think there is a special place in our hearts made to hold these losses that are life changing. These losses that not only mold us but reestablish a new sense of existence that is a little more grateful and sad, all at the same time.

I had the divorce of my parents, my own divorces, loss of many special pets, and I have even lost friends at all stages of my life. Loss is hard. For me as an empath, certain loss is devastating. I don’t know how I move forward, really. Mostly I tell myself “to suck it up” or “it is, what it is” and put my focus on the everyday beauty, I see in a flower blooming, a squirrel climbing a tree or my child being silly. Deep down though, it still lingers ever so quietly. There is that quote that says “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.” I guess so. For people like me, I don’t really think we have an option. We just love completely and passionately until we can’t anymore.

Maybe my life was always supposed to work out like this, love deeply and lose deeply. Maybe it is a gift and I just need to find a way to be at peace with it all. The loss of my first love, my soul mate, was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Losing Joshua was a game changer. He was the only one human being I would have done anything and everything for. It was like our hearts combined naturally despite the distance between us or our lives taking different directions. I miss him every day as much as the first day and as much as the day before. I love him as much now as I always have, it just is. It is the same with my other pets, and now Elle. This time something feels different. I feel like this loss is something on a grander scale. I think what is really going on is this loss has shed some glaring light on what I have been missing in my 7 year marriage. I can’t say it was a mistake because a beautiful high spirited child emerged, and nothing could be sweeter in this life. Now I reflect and I’m faced with the fact that this marriage was never meant to be. I can’t hold anger or judgement-I made choices.  ea637407bbc3aa7e672e5198ca50582a


I think highly sensitive empaths are naive at best. I just jump right in and think about it after the fact. I have found myself so overwhelmed with disappointment at the hands of others behaviors. Sad truth, I automatically assumed that what they presented is the same as me, truth. I don’t know how to wear masks or how to put my best foot forth. Usually when I try to do just that my worst comes out. Regardless, it seems to end the same, brokenhearted. The interesting part is, I seem to have the capacity to keep giving chances. It’s like God and I have a conversation and He does something in me and I am ready to try again, a little less expectational and a little less demanding. The problem is, I have found myself in relationships I should have left long ago. I notice that I tend to attract the type who is unable to love fully. The ones whose hearts have been so deeply wounded, they are unable to give fully. It is these relationships that impact me most. These are the ones that leave me feeling crushed and most rejected.

The only thing I can compare this to is God’s love for us. I can’t imagine the amount of brokenness, betrayal and everyday loss he must experience at the hands of his children. It is too astounding to grasp. I wouldn’t want to be in his footsteps for even a second. Christ died on the cross for us, so that we could have a chance to receive God’s blessings and live in personal relationship with him, something the old covenant didn’t offer.  I feel fortunate to live in this time and I am forever grateful for the sacrifice Christ made on my behalf. Although I am human, I will never be able to master or grasp the level of love God has for us despite our disbelief, our ignorance and immaturity.

I think it is time for me to see myself as I am. I can’t worry about what other people think about my circumstance. I can’t worry about my practice changing because I’m now divorced again. I know how God views me, I feel his love, I hear his voice and I choose to respond out of that. I pray my life is a living testimony of his amazing love, grace and truth. I pray I can honor him in all I do despite the loss or pain attached.882e1bf8ad32e658e8b5db49636f8321


My dreams are vivid. I see all my deceased pets in my dreams. I can feel them, talk to them, touch them and it is real. I see Joshua and my other decreased friends, I spend time with them and we enjoy each other’s company. I am a lucky few who have this amazing gift. I thank God for it; otherwise I don’t know how I am able to handle the losses I’ve endured. I think it is time for me to take a break from life and just be. No worries of the future, no desires for a new love, but to just sit in what I have and be grateful, present, alive. I also need to let go of the relationships that have run their course without feeling like I owe it one more chance. It’s time for me to rejoice in what God has given me and what purpose I have for his kingdom. Just be, me.

 

Amy Casale Choisser 31 Oct 15

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